Hi Aria, truly a delight getting a chance to meet you.
How would you describe yourself, I mean job wise….you aren’t a traditional disciplinarian or are you?
I’d say maybe 50% traditional & 50% whatever works. I think people picture someone traditional as a stern governess type. That’s definitely not me. I don’t even always come across as all that stern and I rarely raise my voice in anger — don’t see the need to; if you’re due for a spanking, you’re going to receive one, and that’s all there is to it. Especially if I’m working with you as part of an ongoing accountability program, then you already know the consequences for slipping on your goals.
How did you start in this business?
I actually started as a dominatrix working out of a NYC dungeon. Out of curiosity and utter boredom with office work, I just answered an ad in the Village Voice one day, showed up for the interview with absolutely no clue what I was walking into. But once I’d done my first session (verbal humiliation, as I recall) I was hooked. The more I learned about the scene, the more fun I had, and the more fascinated I was with the variety and creativity of people’s fetishes. I was a pro-domme for about 10 years. But eventually, I started getting bored with the whole goth, leather, “grovel-at-my-feet-you-worthless-worm” scene, and realized I wanted to get away from the melodrama and more down to earth.
LOL, I guess anything from that scene is “more down to Earth”?
I’ve always loved role play, and the strict but caring maternal persona came naturally to me, so I started moving more toward domestic scenes. The accountability part grew out of that later, as I realized how much more spankings could be than just part of a fetish scene. That also felt like a natural progression since I’ve always been a student (sometimes self taught, sometimes officially) of both psychology and sociology.
Are you located out of a house, an office?
I work out of a house in a residential neighborhood for now, which definitely works well with the domestic aspect of my sessions — I’ve been offered the chance to rent a local dungeon, but I think that environment would clash.
What part of the country?
I’m in Charlotte, NC.
You are sort of a Life Coach that uses spanking?
Exactly. I use a lot of the same techniques as traditional life coaches, personal trainers, or programs like Weight Watchers; it’s all about having someone light a fire under your ass to get you going on the things you want to accomplish but can’t make yourself do on your own.
Do most of us need that kind of motivation?
It can be hard to be your own watchdog. When you go to the gym, you’re much more likely to really push yourself when you’ve got someone standing over you. When you’re trying to stop smoking, or get organized, or develop better study habits, you tend to let yourself get away with an endless variety of rationalizations and excuses. My role is to say, “bullshit, I’m not buying it, you can get it together or you can get over my lap.” One of my clients referred to me as Jiminy Cricket with a paddle, & I love that image. One of my favorite pieces is a paddle with a picture of Jiminy on it — a gift from another client.
And what kind of training does one need to be one?
I think there’s more than one road you can take. It’s not like there’s a college degree program for Disciplinary Spanking (yet.) The 10 years I spent as a dominatrix came in handy as far as the physical skills — knowing how to handle paddles and straps, etc. — and I’ve done years of research in psychology, both in school and on my own, particularly in areas of behavioralism and motivation.
Sounds like you’ve put in the work?
Developing your own powers of intuition is crucial. I also think it’s important to have someone more experienced teach you. I work with a woman who wanted to learn how to be a disciplinarian so she started joining me for sessions as my apprentice. You don’t realize how much both intuition and experience go into this until you’re reminded that not everyone does this stuff every day. By now, after 10 years as a domme and almost 10 more as a disciplinarian, this seems completely natural to me. But it did take years to get here. Good thing I started young, so I still have some power behind my swing, lol!
I’ve met some others, like Strict Jane, Miss Marwood and Miss Jennifer that also use spanking as corrective therapy. So you believe spanking is effective at any age?
I actually think it’s more effective for adults than for kids. I don’t generally believe in spanking kids — although having rules and consequences, definitely! So many spoiled brats being raised, and that won’t help them later in life! But corporal punishment seems to strike (no pun intended) a healthier chord in adults, whether or not they’ve been spanked in the past. It puts people into a position (again, no pun intended… something about this topic that just lends itself to puns and wordplay!!) of childlike vulnerability, but with an adult’s ability to acknowledge that they’re being spanked as a direct result of their own actions.
Tell us more about the treatments and how we go about seeing you?
I usually set up appointments several weeks in advance unless it’s someone I’ve seen many times before. We’ll email back & forth — I’ll let you know all my session info, & you will tell me what you’re looking for in your session or sessions.
Sounds easy enough.
Then we’d meet at a nearby coffee shop & talk for maybe a half hour before the 1st session — just to be sure that we both seem reasonably sane. One thing I almost never do is discuss a session over the phone beforehand. After having my time wasted several times by guys who just wanted free material for their fantasies, I had to make that a firm rule.
Everyone has their own session in mind?
Yes, I don’t think I could come up with one “typical” session. Other than accountability sessions, which are fairly straightforward, I guess the most frequent type is a basic, stress relief spanking for people who simply crave spankings, have known this about themselves for a long time, and either enjoy the spanking for itself or love the aftereffects — the feeling of calm afterward, and the feeling of letting go of guilt for something they might have done. I also do a lot of role play sessions, usually in some sort of maternal role — either mom or a baby sitter…
Do you enjoy those sessions?
Yes, a real favorite is when I play the mom and my assistant plays a baby sitter — or we do a teacher and mother scene; then the naughty boy gets caught and gets it from both of us in turns or at the same time. Those are really fun, and really intense for the one on the receiving end.
That must be fun for all. How about with the Life Coaching sessions?
Accountability sessions are different; there’s no role play involved, just consequences for not doing the things we agreed needed to be done (or not done, like smoking or texting while driving — that’s one that makes me furious, so I can put a lot of very genuine disapproval into it, and I think that shows — looks very much like a group of bruises, actually.)
Is there one problem that most people come to you for more than others? Like tickets, most are for speeding…
Procrastination is a big one, various forms of procrastination, whether with work related things or personal goals like getting to the gym or different sorts of self-improvement. I feel like a militant branch of Weight Watchers sometimes, with all the emphasis on working out and cutting down on junk food. It’s so great to see a change in someone after several months of doing accountability! I’m a very result oriented person and I love to see tangible progress, so that’s really satisfying for me.
Did you use spanking before being a professional?
I never spanked anyone before my first session as a dominatrix, and I was so terrified of being too strict in my first session that I think I actually apologized a few times.
How tall are you?
I’m 5’3″ without heels, and I’m usually without heels so I’m usually 5’3″. Did the leather stilettos for more than enough years — I’m not supposed to be the one in pain!
LOL. Who comes to see you?
My clients include people who love being spanked, or who hate the actual pain but love the aftereffects or the fetish aspects, and people who aren’t into spankings but have tried other motivation techniques and have worked up the courage to try this — and it does take courage; I have a lot of respect for someone who approaches a total stranger with a request that embarrasses or scares them, that’s a nerve-wracking position to put yourself in! I see both men and women, although I tend to have more men than women requesting role play.
You treat couples?
I’ve worked with maybe a dozen couples. With some, I’ve guided the wife through what was, for her, completely unfamiliar territory until she could understand what her husband or boyfriend needed, and helped her understand that it wasn’t “perverted”, just out of her range of experience. I’ve also worked with a few couples who acknowledged that their spouse just wasn’t comfortable with disciplining and preferred to have me do it as a surrogate. I’m totally fine with that, too. Some people might try their hardest to understand, but it’s just not in them, and I respect them for not judging their partner or condemning them, but for instead finding a solution that works for them.
Do many wives want to learn to spank their husbands?
I’d say it’s been pretty 50/50, between those who want to learn it because they’re either intrigued or just want to be closer to their husband, and those who aren’t interested and would rather send him to me. I’ve had some wives start out very dismissive and uninterested, and later end up enjoying the power trip of making that appointment for him to see me when he screws up.
Do you have to keep files and notes like a doctor?
I don’t technically have to, but I keep records that only I would understand (if someone happened to peek through my files) on which implements I use, medical conditions, limits, things like that. I take confidentiality extremely seriously, so everything is in non-descript wording or in code.
I love that you are helping real life people with real life problems….do you have any clients that aren’t into spanking, but have improved because of them?
The ones who aren’t into it are the easiest to work with as far as achieving goals, because they really dread getting called in for a session, so the threat of an “F” on a weekly report is very effective! I have one client in particular who went — in one year — from being an overweight, disorganized smoker to losing over forty pounds, quitting smoking, and getting a better job which required real organizational skills (and is up for a promotion) all in just over a year! Like they say on TV, results may vary, but so far, I haven’t had any clients who — if they stuck with it — didn’t show any improvement at all.
I would venture to guess that most of your clients are into spanking? Isn’t it a bit counter productive to see a Life Coach who uses it as motivation? I mean why wouldn’t I just act out and underperform in order to get spanked?
That occurred to me a long, long time ago! Two strategies for that. I’ve actually withheld spankings as punishment; instead of pretending it’s punishment when we both know it’s not, you’ve got to earn one. Strategy #2 is to discover what a person’s comfort level is and go beyond it, or if someone likes OTK and straps, I’ll use face down on a table and caning instead — anything to keep it from being enjoyable; otherwise, yes, I’d get quite a lot of purposefully bad behavior and no progress!
You are saying you can make the Life Coaching effective even if I want to be spanked?
If I can find something you really dislike, or take you just beyond the level you’re into, then absolutely. Unless you love everything and have a superhuman tolerance, in which case, I’ll resort to withholding or confiscating something — like, if you love video games, I’ll take them away for whatever period of time I feel necessary. Once kept someone’s brand new, beloved iPhone in my dresser drawer for a month as punishment, until it had been earned back.
Can you describe a typical session or are any of them typical?
No such thing, except that I will usually start — and end — OTK, and I’ll generally try to get right to or slightly past your comfort level — unless it’s a fun role play session and you don’t want to physically push any limits. And even in the more severe sessions, I’ll always respect limits, although I’ll do my best to slightly push them once I know you.
Tell me about your spankings, do you set them out with goals? Like if you don’t lose 3lbs. by next week like we discussed it’s 12 with the cane? Or do you decide the implement and severity during the session?
I have certain things that have set punishments, especially if they keep occurring — texting while driving might carry a 50-with-the-cane consequence per incident, since I have zero tolerance for that; but I always reserve the right to add on! And sometimes not knowing the consequences in advance can be even more effective.
Do you use corporal punishment with your family? Or friends?
Not with my family — my husband isn’t into it, although he’s been a stand in for me on special, pre-agreed-upon occasions and is quite an accomplished disciplinarian. I’ve had clients become friends, and while we can hang out and go to a movie or out to dinner, business is still business; I go no easier on friends!
Have you ever been spanked? Are you still?
I think it’s necessary to have been on the receiving end. Just like I can’t imagine someone who has never had an addiction being a good addiction counselor, I think you have to know what a spanking feels like in order to deliver one with empathy and a sense of what an individual’s limitations are. I think I’ve been on the receiving end enough times to remember it, though, so no, I don’t still receive — it’s just not me.
You have an assistant, Anne, tell us a little as to her duties?
Anne usually joins role play sessions — she’s great at roles like baby sitter or teacher, especially when I’m playing mom or headmistress. She’s younger than me and can look much younger than she is, so she can really pull off the teenager look when she’s playing a sitter. She also comes in on sessions in which the client wants a lot of severity, so the extra arm is a big help, especially when we each take a cheek to spank. Sometimes we’ll compete to see who can redden a cheek faster. I usually win, but then I’ve had a lot more experience. Some clients also like to have a witness to their spanking, so a pretty young woman watching and commenting can heighten the embarrassment factor beautifully.
Oh you say spanking relieves tension, for the spanker or the spankee? LOL
Sometimes both! I can get a lot of enjoyment out of giving a hard spanking! But it’s not supposed to be about me, so I keep a punching bag handy for that. I’d never take out my own frustrations on a client, that’s not what I’m getting paid for.
What do you get out of a session, or is there any personal sense of accomplishment?
I genuinely love role play and acting, so those sessions are fun, especially when both (or all three of us) are really into our roles and playing off each other. And of course, when a client is showing steady, significant improvement in meeting his or her goals, that’s incredibly rewarding for me to know I helped with that.
What do you think the client gets out of it, besides a hot bottom and some tears?
Depends on the client. Sometimes the motivation to not have to go through that again for a long, long time! Sometimes a wonderful feeling of letting go of stress or guilt. Sometimes just a chance to step out of a responsibility filled life for an hour and be a powerless, vulnerable, and cared for little boy or girl. That can be an amazing mini-vacation from daily life!