Dear Ms. Marwood – Losing that Loving Feeling

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At a certain point when spanking my boyfriend I think his bottom becomes numb? Should I move onto other area’s at that moment (upper or inner thighs)? Or use different implements? Currently I just use my hairbrush and a belt. Sometimes I don’t know when he’s had enough. When do you know a spanking is over, when your arm feels like it’s going to fall off? haha

Loving your advice


Well, certainly if you’re arm is about to fall off it’s probably time for you to quit. But as far as whether your naughty boy is “done”, that is a loaded question. Most people’s tolerance levels vary. It can depend upon how often they get spanked. How long it’s been since their last spanking, if they are on certain medications, whether a spanking causes them to experience arousal or not. Many, many factors are at play.  Personally, I check in with my spankee in lots of different ways. I will notice, when I lecture or scold, if they are compliant or if they sass me back.  I watch and listen to their breathing and their muscle tension.  If you haven’t made such observations you can train yourself to know your “victim” by experimenting and noticing the feedback. Sometimes it’s subtle but if you know someone well you can make these subtle distinctions over time.

As far as your assertion that your BF’s bottom is getting numb—this is often the case. After a long, hard spanking the target area can get engorged with blood and you will feel a certain hardness to the skin. At that point BF may have habituated to your spanking and it takes on dull quality. Since you have only been using the hairbrush and the belt, one thing you can do, if his bottom gets hard, is to bend him over something that is about waist high and give him a half a dozen or so strokes of the cane. That’ll “reset his thermostat”.  But…. here’s what I’d recommend:  the hairbrush is heavy and thuddy.  It is apt to cause that hardening of the skin we were just talking about.  Why not start with a hard hand spanking OTK, switching, perhaps, to a wooden spoon or other similarly light but stingy implement. Then progress to the belt, either standing up or over a bed, desk or other such item. At that point his bottom should be tenderized, but not engorged with blood and hard, the way it is when it’s desensitized.  NOW it might be time to put him back OTK and start up with the hairbrush. At this point, it will usually affect him differently because his hiney is not numbed out by a barrage of whacks with a blunt instrument. It’s just sore from a good spanking and stinging. Usually using the hairbrush at this point will really feel like punishment and you may find your BF finally becoming repentant and compliant, instead of numb and non-reactive. This will give you a clearer indication of when you’re “done”.  Just remember, this is not an exact science. That’s why we play, and then we talk to each other about our play so we get data that helps us read the situation better and better over time.


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2 Responses to Dear Ms. Marwood – Losing that Loving Feeling

  1. James says:

    I’ve never gotten to the point where numbness immunized me from the pain, but if someone is wailing away on my like that, I will use visualization and breathing techniques to take my brain out of the scene and out of the pain so I can tolerate it. That tends to make me a lot less reactive. One pro asked me if “I was still there.”

  2. Brad D. says:

    I just wanted to shout out a good thank you for the nice column you are writing for the blog Someone’s Gonna Get It.

    You write sane, understated, healthy, positive and fun replies to the questions you receive. I remember how self-loathing I was in my youth for having this interest. While there was good Victorian pornography available from Grove Press, there wasn’t much good advice on how people should deal with their desire to participate in good domestic discipline on either end of the hairbrush. Things have gotten so much better in the last decade and your column is a good example of that.

    However, if I was a novice, afraid of my yearnings, I would be at your doorstep in a flash.

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